Super glued in my heart for future reference...

As the thought entered and exited my mind, I was quickly ashamed of it.  Sometimes it helps to say it out loud so that you can gain perspective and control over it.  

I had had a less than productive day.  I hate those.  By my “gracious” assessment, I had a lazy day.  I have one task that is pressing on me right now, and I had not done anything to accomplish it.  My task is to finish support raising before September 2019.  Seems easy enough, but I get so distracted by the tyranny of the urgent or napping.  I prefer napping.  

So back to the “thought” that sprinted through my mind.  I was walking to the mailbox.  This is always a fun task for me because once in a while as a campus pastor there is a check in there from a supporter.  Some checks are expected and some checks are not.  Both are fun to receive, but unexpected ones are super fun.  

I have a math brain - if that is a thing.  I always know how much money we need for the coming month to break even.  Right before I opened the door, I thought of how much we needed to receive this month to break even, and then I had this thought, “You don’t deserve to get a check in the mail today.  You were lazy today.”  Now how is it possible to still have such works-based thoughts.  I’ve fought with this mindset for so many years, and I will say that I have baby-stepped my way toward grace, but then you have these shameful thoughts that are drenched in works-based theology.  I am thankful that God speaks to me in these moments.  He quickly replied, “My blessings are not based on what you do.  I love you no matter what.”  I then had the thought.  “There will definitely be a check in the mail today, just so He can prove me wrong.”  Of course, there was a “surprise” check in the mail.  I opened it with such gratefulness in my heart for my God that loves me even when I disappoint myself.  

Saying this out loud holds me accountable and because I’m a verbal processor, it super glues it in my heart for future reference.